Helping you to relate better in sex through coaching
How is the service different from my yoni/lingam massages?
This service is more holistic in that it isn't a treatment and self discovery of just your body, but a way of guiding you towards better relating with yourself and others intimately. It is therefore much better suited to couples bookings, where you have both identified areas for improvement.
My yoni or lingam massage is more of a structured, mindful treatment of your body so you can better understand and appreciate your sexual potential. Orgasm during the treatment is not the intention (but still a very likely outcome) as in sensual massage. Instead, the intention is to help you to remove the blocks that are currently preventing you from achieving your sexual pleasure potential and permanently improve your sex life from now on. You will create more opportunities for connected sex by dating more confidently because you are in touch with your eroticism and attract lovers who are too. You might want to take that first, so that you are approaching coaching from a place of sexual confidence.
You may, of course, just be looking for a full sensual massage which has the intention of an orgasm and may include exploration of your kinks, including some impact or fantasy role play. Bring a partner and make it a cuckold massage or one where you explore your bi-sexuality with me (maybe to turn on your partner). You may also play with me to some extent and with my consent.
Why with you, and will we be naked?
In general, you must choose a mature intimacy coach with decades of personal relationship experience over someone with a long list of academic qualifications and industry certifications but little and short personal life and relationship experience. Choose one who is happy working with all men and women equally because choosing someone who hasn't bothered to do all-important personal "shadow work" will damage your ability to relate too. The other thing is to consider how authentic they sound. Do they come across as mature, professional and sexy or simply childish and over-familiar - all things to consider and, of course you may like the "hey gorgeous!" approach. Horses for courses.
I use Betty Martin's The Wheel of Consent® to inform my work and keep the space safe for us both. In addition, you can both read more about me and testimonials from previous clients for reassurance before making a decision on whether to book. I follow the Sexological Bodyworker's Code Of Conduct except for a couple of things giving you the choice for me to be naked and/or to touch me sexually, that I explain in detail below.
"The Wheel" teaches us how to enjoy touch with others safely, whether giving, receiving, taking or allowing to take. I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity during your session to reflect upon, and process and accept (without judgement), embodied sensations that arise during connection. Embracing your boundary-fluidity (granting yourself and others the freedom to change your minds in sexual situations) and respecting other people's feelings by not just rejecting the kind of touch they are offering or requesting, is key to embracing safe sexual exploration in the future and not offending sexual partners.
You can choose when and to what degree you are naked at all times.
I can be either partially or fully naked if it feels appropriate for you, with an emphasis on normalising it and I am modelling to you that nakedness is perfectly natural state of being in an intimate setting. In this the way my own code varies from The Sexological Bodyworker's Code of Conduct, in that it would only allow me to be naked in a workshop setting, and not your 1:1 session:
"In workshop contexts, practitioners exercise appropriate judgment on working partially or completely unclothed where removing their clothes may help to model and guide students/participants more fully into the exercise, to demonstrate the practice, or to normalize and model a healthy relationship with their bodies. If CSBs choose to remove their clothes it is incumbent upon them to maintain boundaries, safety and care of the container, by anticipating and attending to whatever may arise for the student/participants because of CSBs nudity."
Touching me sexually is permitted (with my consent and either directly or over my clothes) within the context of experientialy teaching The Wheel of Consent® if it benefits your journey towards feeling relaxed with negotiating intimate touch with others and not with the intention of my arousal. Again, this is a my variation from section 6(e) of The sexological bodyworker's code of conduct:
"In individual sessions CSBs remain clothed when touching their students and sexual touch is uni-directional, practitioner to student. ‘Sexual touch’ in this context means touch which is genital and/or whose specific intention is to sexually arouse. For example, when guiding people into experiencing the quadrants of the Wheel of Consent®, to cover it fully the practitioner and student would spend time in all 4 quadrants, which could involve the practitioner being touched (in the Accept & Allow quadrants). When students wish to learn interpersonal sexual skills, CSBs request that students bring their partners or invite them to share and learn with other students. When appropriate and available, CSBs work in a triadic model with other practitioners whose scope of practice includes working in a sexually intimate capacity with their students/clients."
Ultimately, we must both still agree that coaching from me feels appropriate and the consent to be touched you signed up to on booking can be modified at any time, without fear of judgement by me. You retain autonomy of choice at all times and that includes choosing to adjust or even terminate the naked touch stage at any time. You are the client and it is my time that you have booked to use as you feel appropriate.
Equally, I retain autonomy of choice as to what kind of touch I am comfortable to receive, without fear of judgement by you.
What next?
I need us to have on a video consultation first, so that we can discuss the issues you are facing and outcomes expected. It is a chance for us to ask questions both ways, establish trust, and decide whether we agree I can help you. I suggest 30 minutes and the first 15 minutes I will credit against your first in-person session.
How is the session structured?
A single session lasts an hour and a half..
We must work to build a trusting, relaxed atmosphere in the room and so it is really important that we follow a path that invites us into a state of physical attunement.
When you physically arrive, I use a guided meditation to help your mind to "arrive" with your body, into the safe space of my room; for us both to be fully present, with awareness, in the moment, together.
We then do some intention-setting, eye-gazing and gradual (clothed) negotiation of touch so that we become comfortable with one another in a space where we will be exploring further touch!
What happens during the session will be guided by the initial consultation and what we agree in the room. Take a look at the details below to see the kind of thing we might be doing.
We finish with a "closing" talk where we reflect upon how it felt, any emotions that arose (both difficult or pleasurable), and discuss where we agree and disagree about the dynamic. We identify areas and things that felt useful so that you can start to make a plan for your next session (if any). This authentic sharing is key to integration afterwards for you because you will need to make a plan as to how you will deliberately re-create an environment and situation that is conducive to reinforcing a permanent change for the better. Practice makes perfect (ish).
In broad terms, we will cover the following areas
Embodiment
Embodiment practice seeks to overcome unhelpful fight or flight responses to triggering situations by noticing how and where in the body the feelings manifest and then "breathing into them" in order to calm yourself where you can behave more rationally and embrace opportunities to connect that you would normally reject. It also encourages you to remain mindful of your own feelings and emotions as you move into deeper physical connection. In sex, this helps us not to go straight into "automatic" mode and loose all sense of our own bodily sensations and pleasure.
Exercises where I diagnose where any unhelpful dynamics exist that block you from progressing to intimate touch. I ask you in try to physically connect with me(and one another), whilst standing face-to-face and watch what happens to your body(s). It reveals where the issues lie without you speaking.
I demonstrate how you can overcome the issues by instructing you to act out new strategies to build trusting connection using techniques such as eye-gazing and mutual chest pressing.
The work we do in this first section is key to everything that follows.
Honesty and communication
Discussion of transparency, listening and acceptance between sexual partners in order to engender trust and closeness. Examples and exercises to demonstrate effective conflict resolution that brings your closer together instead of pushing you apart.
Discussion of the work of Dr John Gottman and his "Relationship Lab" to identify the key attributes of a strong and enduring partnership.
Shadows, triggers and overcoming fear
Discussion of "shadows" and "triggers"; what they are, how they affect our behaviour and what they tell us about ourselves.
The use of breath-work to to overcome our habitual the "fight-or-flight" responses to triggers such as being touched by strangers or asking for touch.
Closing the orgasm gap
The orgasm gap refers to the typical difference that men and women experience in reaching orgasm. I will explain the science behind it. If you come with someone, I can explore any mismatches you may have your relationship and close the gap for you.
Being a sensual masseur, I have first hand experience with helping my clients reach satisfying orgasms by tuning into what they need and adjusting my technique. I have had female clients who can't remember the last time they orgasmed, enjoying multiple peaks at my hands for the first time in their lives. I also know how to keep men who normally have problems with premature orgasm at the "edge" for 30 minutes or more so that they experience a full-body O for the first time.
We all have different overlaps between physical and mental arousal(concordance), with men typically at 50% and women just 10%. It means that women usually have more emotional blockers to be overcome before feeling horny enough, even though they tend to get wet and swollen fairly readily. It is much miss-understood by men and women alike.
I will find out where each of you sit in your non-concordance by asking you some questions and then talk about how your approach to sex might change to make things hornier in bed. I will demonstrate some hands-on sensual massage techniques to up your foreplay skills.
Pleasure Mapping
This is where the name SkinMap came from.
Discussion of The Wheel Of Consent then exercises such as the three minute game on the massage table to explore and discover how and where each of you like to be touched and where using various sensory toys and devices. Emphasis on asking for and giving consent to touch and be touched and giving clear feedback.
We will use devices and toys such as cock-rings, vibrators, dildos butt-plugs etc.
We will explore temperature play, to add a whole new dimension.
I ask you to score the pleasure intensity of each kind of touch to build a unique pleasure map of your body with a 1-10 grading system.
Exploration of your non-genital and genital, anatomy - naming different areas and locating and stimulating yours together(hand mirror for owner!). Learning and sharing what feels good for you by using feedback as you are touched by yourself and me/us. I encourage you to show me/us how you masturbate as it is a valuable guide for your partner and to lead the following section.
Having sex
Exercises in manual sensual/sexual arousal techniques with the giver using just their hands and body. I will share with you some cock, balls, perineum, prostate and pussy massage techniques you may not have used before and show how variations in what you do, how hard and how quickly are key to building arousal. Lots of lube is always key. We will draw on what we discovered about you from the previous section around toys, temperature play etc.
* Exercises in oral sensual/sexual arousal techniques. Emphasis on gradual, teasing journey down, eye-to-eye connection, checking in verbally to find out what is working, praising the genitals, making sounds and variation of pressure and motion of tongue, teeth and lips. Use of suction and vibration of the lips to make a mouth "vibrator". We will bring temperature play to this as well.
* Exercises in penetrative sex with a focus on maximising erotic sensations for your anatomy and fit together. Penis, vulva and vagina shapes and sizes vary enormously and so each coupling is unique.
Foot note
* If you come alone then to be by manual demonstration only, on your body and/or with the aid of fruit!
Group sex essentials
Discussing group sex; how to bring it up safely.
Determining whether your relationship is ready for group sex(see first section).
How using a safe, professional sensual massage service like mine to tip your toe into how a threesome might feel is invaluable.
Using porn and fantasy sharing as a sexy way to explore it further.
Emotional and practical preparation together.
Finding people to do it with. Including a frank discussion of what sex parties can be like.
The danger of having too high expectations or acting independently.
Kink
Exploration of the importance of dominance and submission and why it is so important to heighten arousal and orgasm for most.
Play with temperature
Rough sex done safely, with an emphasis on clear consent
How Dirty talk before and during sex can boost your arousal and excitement by heightening expectation and fantasy. Using dirty talk connects us with and ignites our "animal" brain directly - that part that we normally feel disgusted by. All of us need do this to make sex the raw, urgent activity it needs to be for us to really enjoy it and make the release of orgasm more intense and satisfying.
Bondage, kink and role-play including the importance of sensory deprivation in foreplay and fantasy. I'll ask each of you to select a top role-play fantasy and then help you to realise it in the room together for one-another. I am experienced in improvisational comedy.
How watching porn and discussing fantasies is an important and normal aspect of communication within a healthy relationship, contrary to popular belief.
Agreements and jealousy
Discussion of jealousy and how it can be seen as an opportunity for growth and exploration instead of a destructive emotion that triggers crisis.
Cheating and how it can be overcome if the reasons it happens are explored instead of a focus only on agreement-breaking and betrayal.
Integration
In order to able to integrate what you learn and experience into your life, you will initially need to be able to create your own "space" for practising it outside of the workshop. Otherwise you will probably just go back to old habits.
I am not talking about a physical space, but a mental space that you can(both) be in that recreates the feelings and desires you had during the workshop exercises.
Once you have managed to do this a few times at home, it will become integrated in your brains as your new normal behaviours in intimate situations.
We will discuss and agree what you need to do to create your own integration environment so that you are truly improved in your intimate behaviours forever - a new playful, innocent you that will radiate out to all other aspects of your relating too.